Weddings and Green eyed monsters

on the eve of my friend's wedding, I sit and wonder what is it that I am feeling, I was happy for her at one stage surely (though after a while wedding plans begin to sound tedious) and I had predicted that she would be married before the year was out even though at the time she didn't have a boyfriend and now in a few hours she'll be Mrs. Ivoire reckons it's the green eyed monster, at 1st I thought he was wrong and the more I sit and think about it the more I think he might be right. But it is not the fact that she'd getting married that I am envious of...after all Ivoire and I made this commitment a very long time ago, a vow so to speak, that we would get married, but we would do it our way, preferably with no help monetary wise fro anyone(having learnt that to really make it in this world, sometimes you have to rely only on yourselves). I still do find myself what she is doing in these final hours of singlehoodness( I even called her to find out but she didn't pick up – probably busy with final prep)- I also wondered what i would be doing.

This is all besides the point because fact is I am jealous and yet I do not know why, it's not exactly like I want to be married now or anything but something gnaws at me and because of that I cannot feel complete joy for my friend. Delving deeper into this thought I realise that maybe it's because she is not going to kiss her fiance until the priest says 'you may kiss the bride,' or the fact that even though she and her fiance found a place to live together they are not sharing the same bed until tomorrow night, whereas Ivoire and I do, or that she and her fiance have their families supporting them emotionally and financially. Next to her it seems everyone will be damned to Hades. But then again I look at our situations and think of how lucky I am to have Ivoire and how I could not possibly sleep without him by my side.