As part of my birthday present to my partner, I agreed to tell her the story of what I did they day I bought her present. The limited time only avatar conveys a sense of secret agentness about our hero Ivorie, and accurately depicts what he looked like at the end of the aforementioned day. So here is the story, Ian Flemming could not have written a more compelling story and to boot, every word of it is true...
Once upon a time, there was a boy called Ivorie, and he wanted to buy something for his beautiful girlfriend, Ebene, for her birthday. Ivorie is the hero of this story, and Ebene is the damsel. Ebene, coming from Zimbabwe, wanted to learn how to surf and how to body board, as he is currently living in Australia. Ebene had been surfing with a friend of her's from Uni, so Ivorie decided he would buy her a body board and he would show her how to body board in the crashing waves at the beach.
Ivorie knew there where lots of different types of body boards and other things that might be needed to give Ebene the full package, so he called up his friend who he thought would know about such stuff, and as dramatic names seem to be the nature of this blog, we shall call him Atticus. Now Atticus is the anti-hero of this story, which offsets Ivories bravery and all round good-ness.
Atticus has a brother, an identical twin brother in fact, and we shall call him Switch. Now Ivorie had been body boarding with Switch when they where in high school, as Ivorie, Atticus and Switch where in the same grade at the same high school together. Switch could not come on the shopping trip though as he was busy, Atticus assured Ivorie though he knew enough to pick something good.
So the day came to set the plan in motion, and a cunning plan it was. Ivorie dressed as if he was going to the office for a normal Monday, but the previous Friday he was able to claim leave on Monday through his boss at work. As it was his bosses last day, the evil multinational corporation (Much like Shinra for those gamers who happen to be reading) that Ivorie worked for deciding to made his boss redundant, he was amenable to agreeing with everything that day and so Ivorie got his leave on Monday.
So Ivorie got off the train, waving goodbye to the damsel Ebene, as she stayed on the train to go to her work, another station up the track. Ivorie went downstairs as if to cross platforms has he does every day to catch his interconnecting train, but instead met Atticus outside the train station. Atticus had done his homework, he said. He caught a bus across town with Ivorie to a shop that sold everything to do with going to beach you could think of. Our heroes entered the shop, and quicky set about finding a body board for Ebene. Atticus, as it turns out, did not know as much about body boards as he had led Ivorie to believe, and spent a good deal of his time on his mobile to Switch who was at work, asking him if this or that brand is any good, what they should be looking for etc.
One of the villains of this story entered at this point, an acne scarred, bleach blond surfer who was about the same age as Ivorie and Atticus. We shall call him Surfer Villain. Surfer Villain asked who our heroes where buying the board for, and it was at this point how the rest of the day was going to go was decided. Atticus said to Surfer Villain: For Ivories better half. These words would not be so bad, were Atticus not gay. But he is certainly not straight and with those words Surfer Villain decided that Ivorie was gay as well. Possibly seeing Atticus. So, Surfer Villain says, what is he looking for in a board. He. Ivorie responds, she is a beginner and will as such need a beginner board. Surfer Villain does not take the hint and continues to refer to Ebene as a he. Ivorie continues to subtly refer to her as a she, but due it his righteous nature will not push the point.
A board was decided upon, and a leash and a bag with the advice of Atticus, which was one of the good things he did that day, mildly making up for, as you will see down below, making everyone they met that day think that Ivorie was gay. Our heroes go up to pay, and the lady behind the counter, who knows her stuff, says the board is probably too big, and asks who it is for. Surfer Villain, no joke, almost bursts out laughing and says “It's for his BETTER HALF!”, clearly not believing that Ivories better half is in fact female. Atticus then says that Ivories better half is about as tall as him and measures the board up against himself, further reinforcing the fact that Atticus could possibly be Ivories better half, and Ivorie resist the urge to plant his face firmly in his palms.
Everything eventually get tied up and everything is bought and paid for. Atticus and Ivorie want to check out a shop that could yield potential presents for Ebene in the future, a shop that sells, among other things, fire spinners. I'm not sure if that's the technical term, but things you light on fire, or if you are not so brave, glow, and you swing them around in patterns. This was one of Atticus's fortes and something Ebene was interested in. This shop is across town though so Atticus and Ivorie catch buses this way and that but cannot figure out the public transport system to get them to where they are going, so they catch a bus to Atticus's house to get his car and drive there. The damsel Ebene is a wiz with the public transport system incidentally, Ivorie not so much.
So they go to the store, get some odd looks from the attendants, but they see what they went to see and leave. As Atticus and Ivorie are good friends and had not seen each other in a while, and as they had plenty of time to kill, so they thought, they went and saw a film near where Ivorie lived. Atticus is a big fan of comedy so they went and saw “How to lose friends and alienate people”, which by the way, was not as good as “Shaun of the Dead” or “Hot Fuzz”. On the way to the cinema though, they run into Atticus's friend, who Ivorie does not know, so we shall call her Unknown Girl. As this is completely the wrong side of town for either Atticus or Unknown Girl to be bumping into each other, Unknown Girl asks what Atticus is doing here. Ivorie cuts in, seeing whats coming, and says they are just on their way home. Atticus, having no feel for the situation, says they are going to see a film. Ivorie again fights the urge to cover his face. Unknown Girl smiles knowingly, as have most people that day, and after some further pleasantries departs.
Atticus, Ivorie says, you do realise Unknown Girl now thinks we are together, out shopping together and going to see a film? Really, Atticus says surprised, and calls Unknown Girl to confirm or deny Ivories theory. Of course, she confirms it, seems pretty obvious, she said. Told you so, Ivorie says.
So our heroes get to the cinema, and purchase tickets and food. The girl behind the food counter smiles knowingly, something Ivorie is getting a little too much of today, and they go and see their film.
Ebene decides to make Ivories plan fall apart though towards the end of the film and says she wants to pick him up from work, somewhere Ivorie is decidedly not. He was headed out that way though as he had a house to inspect after “work” and Ebene now decides rather than going to Uni she wants to join him. That's fine Ivorie says, will see you soon. Ivorie goes back in, watches the last fifteen minutes and explains all this to Atticus. So they leave the cinema, and run into another villain in this story. As Ivorie, the first time he had met this villain, a friend of Atticus's, beat her at a Disney version of trivial pursuit and subsequently had the Disney board thrown at his head and was kicked out of the villains house, for simply beating her, we shall call her Sore Loser.
Sore Loser does not play a large part in this story, only waylaying the heroes, but due to her past actions however will still be mentioned as a villain. Sore Losers one redeeming point in this story is that she knows Atticus quite well, and Ivorie not so well, but well enough to know he is straight and not seeing Atticus. So she is in effect the only person our heroes run into that day that does not assume they are together.
Short on time, Ivorie and Atticus head to Ivories place, and fail to find a place to hide the rather large birthday present. Ivorie decides it has to be hidden at a friends house in the same complex. Ivorie tries the first set of friends who would be more than willing to take the present but they are not home. Ivorie tries the next friend. She is a friend of Ebenes more than Ivories, but Ivorie is short of options and time. As Ivorie first met this friend when she was in her pajamas, and has her saved in his phone as PJ Girl, we shall call her PJ Girl. PJ Girl, being a rare thing among Africans, quiet and happy to keep her own company, is hesitant to have her serenity disturbed and help Ivorie, and as such starts suggesting places in his own place to hide it. Have you tried here, what about here, PJ girl says. Ivorie explains that he has and they won't work and begs for her help. She hesitantly accepts, much to Ivories gratitude, and Ivorie takes the present to her's where it lives happily until Ebene's birthday. Atticus and Ivorie rush to work.
Atticus drops Ivorie off, Ivorie thanks him again and they go their separate ways. Ivorie resists the urge to enter his work building the way he normally does, from the gallery level and enters from the ground level. He gets to his work, floor 13, and briefly chats with his new boss and their boss. He calls Ebene to let her know he is leaving work, knowing she will be in the building already or close by, and tells her to come up. Ok, she says, I'm on the gallery level, and have been for a little while, just waiting for your call. Ivorie realises how close he came to being sprung, but like the pro he is, keeps is cool and says he will see her when she gets up to the top floor. She comes up, believes Ivorie has been at work all day, and they inspect their house.
The aftermath of all this is, Ivorie got away with it all, until Ebene cunningly asked him what the present was when he was half asleep and as he was not thinking straight, told her. He saves some dignity though by refusing to tell her where it was as it was part of the story of the day he bought it, and her promised to tell her that story on her birthday. Ebene was very surprised at how Ivorie had been able to get the present without her knowing when he told her and was very very pleased with the present itself when it was presented to her. All in all it all worked out ok. Oh and they moved into that house they saw, the move taking place that the time of writing this.
The End.
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